I have my first day of uni tomorrow.

I really, really want to try this year, and I really want to start getting good marks again. But I can already feel the danger signs. The signs screaming that I don't want to go, listen, write, study, remember, read etc etc.

And all I can think about are my other problems and how they mean so much more to me right now. Like my trust issues, committment issues, the feeling of being sick all the time. Yep, all those things that make me think uni doesnt mean anything in comparrison.

When of course, anyone with an ounce of brains, which I thought I had, knows that my petty issues are actually what mean nothing, at least in the bigger picture.

But what the hell am I going to do? I mean yeah it would be awesome to travel and collect and create exhibitions. But why would anyone hire me? Everyone has to start somewhere I know, but where do I start? Especially since I just don't care.

And I've been thinking of applying to the Fashion Institute of Sydney, to study Fashion PR or journalism. Because fashion, I love. Fashion has jobs and a future. But there are so many people that think the same thing. God only knows if it's even possible to get a job like that.

Wow this is a dark blog. So depressing. But I just need to vent a bit. It's 2.12 am and I need to get up in 5 hours. But I can't sleep with all this bouncing around in my head.
It doesn't help that I don't trust him. Lying has become his second nature. And he's friends with people knowing full will I hate it and it hurts me. But for some reason this doesn't matter. I'm clearly not more important to him than a friendship he's had for mere months. That's fine, the girl you've been in love with for four years doesnt mean anything, WHATEVER.

I know he loves me, I just wish it wasn't impossible for him to make sacrifices for me. He'll always love himself more than me. Sigh. MAYBE I should become more selfish? Because I always put hiim first. MAYBE I should go make friends with people like that. Or ignore him or something. I don't know. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I could be more selfish in a non-destructive way, let me know. Because I don't mean in a way that would hurt the relationship, I just think maybe I don't put me first enough anymore. Or ever really... At least with him. In other aspects of life I do of course.

I have red hair btw. I don't even know why I did it. Or if I like it that much. I just... I think I did it because I wanted people to notice me for something other than my past. Because that's all anyone ever talks to me about. My past relationships/relationship problems, my past friend issues, my past uni stuff, high school and so on. I just wanted something to distract from what they think I am. I don't knoww. That sounds so completely ridiculous. But I've been getting sad again. And being sad isn't fun. So maybe red hair will help?

Anyway... I have Harry Potter playing and I should probably get some sleep. Not editing this. Sorry there's no photos or fun stories. Next blog maybs?

overnout.